And another crosspost, regarding consent and being "NO FUN"

[passerine]

I was five years old and in kindergarten when I learned that the way to get all the boys to adore you is to a) let them look up your skirt during "rest time" while the teacher's taking a bathroom break and b) make sure you never, ever tell an adult what is going on. After all, nobody likes a tattle-tale - they spoil people's fun. As I've gotten older, the label might change from "tattle-tale" to "prude" or "killjoy" or "NO FUN" but the song remains the same.

To be "in with the in crowd" in nearly any setting that isn't outright hostile to someone such as me (a woman who is openly bisexual and has a considerable "past") is to accept that in any group, whatever its composition or originally stated purpose, Surprise Sexual Content is going to occur. Regularly. Whether it's something I have even the slightest desire to have in my space at that particular point in time or not.

Well, why are you involved in Harry Potter slash fandom if you don't want to hang out in a smutty chat? Isn't everyone into slash for the hot guy/guy action? No, actually I'm "into" reading good stories in a world I enjoy about characters who are dealing with the day-to-day realities of being queer - which is about a whole hell of a lot more than having sex with someone of the same gender. It's also about the fear (and sometimes the actuality) of losing family and friends when they find out. It's also about getting accepted as your partner's "next of kin" when the worst happens. It's also about finding other people like you and taking care of each other, because if you don't take care of each other, nobody else will. It's also *gasp* even about all the day to day aspects of being in a relationship and living with someone that take place outside the bedroom - cooking, cleaning, paying bills, spending time together on the OTHER things that you enjoy, etc. And those stories can be told without requiring multi-page explicit descriptions of blow jobs or anal sex.

Well, why do you tell people you're bisexual and in a relationship that could be open if you aren't looking for partners? Because I don't want to go back into the closet. Because I believe it is important to be out as a way of saying "Safe Person Here" to the queer kids who are still scared (to paraphrase Harvey Milk) that they are sick, that they are wrong, and that everyone up to and including God hates them for who and what they are. And because, on the off chance that I do find someone who I might, hypothetically speaking, be interested in dating, I want that person to know that I won't refuse out of hand due to what looks like "unavailability."

Hey, you like girls! How about that hot chick over there, huh? Check out the tits on that one! Um, no. I am attracted to human beings regardless of gender, not to random pieces of meat. The only disembodied breasts I'm interested in "checking out" are the chicken breasts at the supermarket that'll be going into a nice tasty curry or parmesan later. (Oh, and by the way, if you just outed me to a bunch of random people, that's also not cool. Not because I'm ashamed of being queer, but because I like to be able to tell people that myself.)

Well, you're in a chat full of bisexual, polyamorous, kinky people! You have to EXPECT that you're going to get full-detail reports of BDSM scenes in the chat! Um...is the chat LABELED "BDSM Scene Reports"? Or is it a general-interest chat, or one that has a supposed topic of something-entirely-else? Because you know, among at least some people into BDSM, there's this interesting concept: BYSTANDER CONSENT. That means, unless you are in a space that has EXPLICITLY BEEN DEFINED AS BEING FOR THIS PURPOSE, you don't start doing random kinky shit (or even engaging in detailed and explicit conversation about said random kinky shit) without getting the clear, affirmative, explicit consent of EVERYONE IN THE SPACE. A chat that is supposed to be about something-entirely-else has not explicitly been defined for the purpose of detailed tales of kinky sex. Chances are good that people did not consent to that content, and that they were not given the opportunity to consent or refuse.

But...but...that's like those politically correct dating codes on college campuses, where the guy is expected to ask the girl, "May I kiss you?", "May I touch your breasts?", etc. THAT SPOILS THE MOOD! Seriously, folks? Do you think it's enjoyable to be in a sexual situation you're uncomfortable with, weighing whether the discomfort of continuing is greater than the risk of being called obscene names/told to walk home in the cold/possibly simply having the "no" ignored if you try to end the encounter?

Why is it my problem that you're not comfortable with your sexuality? I'm perfectly comfortable with my sexuality, and with sharing it with those whom I have freely chosen to share it with. I don't think that YOU (random person I have not given this right to) have any business getting comfortable with MY sexuality.

But you SHOULD be comfortable with sex! And your body! What are you, some kind of closet conservative fundamentalist prude? I'm comfortable with my own comfort level with sex, which is none of YOUR damn business unless you are my sexual partner or my therapist. I'm as comfortable with my body as any fat woman can be in this culture, and as anyone who copes with semi-chronic pain can be with the body that causes it. I don't need to flash T&A your way to prove that.

Well, nobody HAS to participate! If you don't like it, leave! Go somewhere else! And precisely WHICH "somewhere else" would that be, pray tell? The problem is that this dynamic is one I've encountered in almost every large group that is some combination of queer-friendly, intellectual, tending towards the political left-of-center, "geeky" (whatever that means), and otherwise supposedly interested in talking about or doing the (NON SEX RELATED) things I'm interested in. And in those FEW instances where group leaders/moderators insisted that The Sex Stuff Be Taken Elsewhere, complaints were made about how repressive that expectation is. Because, apparently, the right of people (mostly men, with a few women) to be sexual in any space they want to trumps the right of people (mostly women, with a few men) to not have sex shoved in their face when they don't want it there.

I don't really have the words to say how disheartening I find it that this sort of thing is happening yet again, but at least in writing this I think I've found the words for why. Thank you for reading.