![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
passerineThis is distantly related to the fanfic warnings issue, but also has roots in completely unrelated conversations and in an essay I wrote about four years ago for an ethics class.
Here's the short version, because I'm sure this will get tl;dr:
YOU have the right and the absolute freedom: to be as much of a jackass as you want, in any way you want, as long as you are not actually breaking any laws. For that matter, in my view, you have the right to break the law, as long as you are willing to accept the consequences of that action and you are not, as the book Ain't Nobody's Business If You Do would say, causing physical harm to the person or property of an unconsenting other.
I have the right, and possibly the responsibility: to call you a jackass if and when you're being a jackass, to tell you if and when you are causing mental or emotional harm to me, to tell others how and why your behavior is affecting me, and to distance myself from you and/or do what I need to do to keep myself mentally and emotionally safe and healthy.
Part of what all these different things that have come up lately boil down to is a complaint of, "I have the right to choose to be a jerk! It's not fair that [people, places, and/or things] are taking that right away!"
The thing is, you still can choose to be a jerk. The only reason that you claim you can't is because you don't like the consequences that will result - angry spouse, angry boss, disappointed parents, alienated friends, social stigma, late fees, bad credit. It doesn't mean you don't have the choice. Now there's a point at which "being a jerk" has a much heavier price, which might include but is not limited to divorce, CPS involvement, eviction/foreclosure, lost job, expulsion from organizations, severe damage to one's health, etc.
And of course, all those things happen sometimes to people who weren't being jerks at all. I know that, but that's outside of the scope of this. So is the dilemma of someone in a genuinely abusive situation, especially when the partner is saying or implying, "You leave - I kill you!" or the dilemma of a minor whose actions are constrained by potential loss of parental support. I'm assuming that the generic "you" is not being actively abused or brainwashed (at least not any more so than society does as background noise), and is a legal adult who has the physical and mental ability to be self-supporting.
Our behavior is subject to an interlocking set of social constraints. These constraints vary depending upon the cultures and subcultures we are a part of, and our positions within these cultures. Overall, I believe that this is a good thing. I may disagree with particular sets of constraints, but I do not disagree that constraints themselves are positive. You have the ability to choose which groups and subcultures you voluntarily align yourself with. Your being part of particular demographic categories is not voluntary, of course.
I'm also not expecting you to 100% align your personal morality to the morality of any voluntary subculture. I am saying this much: default to obeying the rules of other people's space, pick your damn battles, and if the voluntary subculture has become all-battle-all-the-time, maybe it's not the right place for you. And sure, maybe it IS because they're *ist asshats. However, unless they are actually breaking the law, they have the right to be *ist asshats. (And you, of course, have the right to call them such, in as detailed and colorful of a way as you wish, and unless you are yourself breaking the law, they have no right to prevent you from doing this.)
If you want to be welcome in a voluntary subculture, it is your responsibility to substantially comply with the customs and traditions of that subculture, and if you cannot substantially comply, it is your responsibility to go elsewhere. (Like I said in a recent post, that's why I avoid most chats. A behavior I personally find triggering is to-be-expected there, and it's simpler for me to avoid the trigger than to try to convince people to change.) If you are very happy within the subculture except for $ISSUE, especially you know others in the subculture feel the same way about $ISSUE, then it certainly is reasonable to advocate for change.
And those who make the free speech argument? Assuming that you are in the United States, the key is that "Congress shall make no law..." about what you can and cannot say. The 14th amendment extends that such that lower-level municipal governments must preserve your freedom of speech as a private citizen. If you show up in a basketball discussion group talking about baseball, or talking about getting to third base with That Hot Chick, the discussion group is not practicing illegal discrimination when the mods ban you.
A "voluntary subculture", by the way, includes the culture that you create in your relationship with your significant other(s). You have the right to upset your SO; your SO, in turn, has the right to be upset and to say "You're upsetting me!" (and not to dance around that with I-statements or anything else). You do NOT have the right to expect that your SO will not express disapproval of something you know damn well that your SO disapproves of.
(The above applies to most friendships, too.)
A subset of this topic: You have the right to take or to avoid whatever psychoactive substances you see fit, subject to beginning-of-post caveats regarding illegality. However, if you are under the influence of mind-altering substances and do stupid shit under the influence, or if you are Off Your Meds and act crazy because of it, you still have full responsibility for those actions.
The thing is, you get to be a jerk if that's what you truly want, if it's that important to you. You also get the backlash and the consequences and the expressions of hurt from the people you offended, and depending on just which people you were just how much of a jerk to, those consequences can be pretty unpleasant. Still, if you want to take them, then it's your call.
And if you still think that you "can't" be a jackass, be a jerk, be irresponsible but you really really really WAAAAAAAAAAAANT TO! - then that's your conscience speaking, trying to tell your id/inner child/devil on your shoulder that it's not WORTH the consequences and/or adding another consequence: lack of self-respect. But if it makes you feel any better, you've still got the choice, and you get to bask in the self-satisfied glow of being the Better Person and NOT being a jerk.
Here's the short version, because I'm sure this will get tl;dr:
YOU have the right and the absolute freedom: to be as much of a jackass as you want, in any way you want, as long as you are not actually breaking any laws. For that matter, in my view, you have the right to break the law, as long as you are willing to accept the consequences of that action and you are not, as the book Ain't Nobody's Business If You Do would say, causing physical harm to the person or property of an unconsenting other.
I have the right, and possibly the responsibility: to call you a jackass if and when you're being a jackass, to tell you if and when you are causing mental or emotional harm to me, to tell others how and why your behavior is affecting me, and to distance myself from you and/or do what I need to do to keep myself mentally and emotionally safe and healthy.
Part of what all these different things that have come up lately boil down to is a complaint of, "I have the right to choose to be a jerk! It's not fair that [people, places, and/or things] are taking that right away!"
The thing is, you still can choose to be a jerk. The only reason that you claim you can't is because you don't like the consequences that will result - angry spouse, angry boss, disappointed parents, alienated friends, social stigma, late fees, bad credit. It doesn't mean you don't have the choice. Now there's a point at which "being a jerk" has a much heavier price, which might include but is not limited to divorce, CPS involvement, eviction/foreclosure, lost job, expulsion from organizations, severe damage to one's health, etc.
And of course, all those things happen sometimes to people who weren't being jerks at all. I know that, but that's outside of the scope of this. So is the dilemma of someone in a genuinely abusive situation, especially when the partner is saying or implying, "You leave - I kill you!" or the dilemma of a minor whose actions are constrained by potential loss of parental support. I'm assuming that the generic "you" is not being actively abused or brainwashed (at least not any more so than society does as background noise), and is a legal adult who has the physical and mental ability to be self-supporting.
Our behavior is subject to an interlocking set of social constraints. These constraints vary depending upon the cultures and subcultures we are a part of, and our positions within these cultures. Overall, I believe that this is a good thing. I may disagree with particular sets of constraints, but I do not disagree that constraints themselves are positive. You have the ability to choose which groups and subcultures you voluntarily align yourself with. Your being part of particular demographic categories is not voluntary, of course.
I'm also not expecting you to 100% align your personal morality to the morality of any voluntary subculture. I am saying this much: default to obeying the rules of other people's space, pick your damn battles, and if the voluntary subculture has become all-battle-all-the-time, maybe it's not the right place for you. And sure, maybe it IS because they're *ist asshats. However, unless they are actually breaking the law, they have the right to be *ist asshats. (And you, of course, have the right to call them such, in as detailed and colorful of a way as you wish, and unless you are yourself breaking the law, they have no right to prevent you from doing this.)
If you want to be welcome in a voluntary subculture, it is your responsibility to substantially comply with the customs and traditions of that subculture, and if you cannot substantially comply, it is your responsibility to go elsewhere. (Like I said in a recent post, that's why I avoid most chats. A behavior I personally find triggering is to-be-expected there, and it's simpler for me to avoid the trigger than to try to convince people to change.) If you are very happy within the subculture except for $ISSUE, especially you know others in the subculture feel the same way about $ISSUE, then it certainly is reasonable to advocate for change.
And those who make the free speech argument? Assuming that you are in the United States, the key is that "Congress shall make no law..." about what you can and cannot say. The 14th amendment extends that such that lower-level municipal governments must preserve your freedom of speech as a private citizen. If you show up in a basketball discussion group talking about baseball, or talking about getting to third base with That Hot Chick, the discussion group is not practicing illegal discrimination when the mods ban you.
A "voluntary subculture", by the way, includes the culture that you create in your relationship with your significant other(s). You have the right to upset your SO; your SO, in turn, has the right to be upset and to say "You're upsetting me!" (and not to dance around that with I-statements or anything else). You do NOT have the right to expect that your SO will not express disapproval of something you know damn well that your SO disapproves of.
(The above applies to most friendships, too.)
A subset of this topic: You have the right to take or to avoid whatever psychoactive substances you see fit, subject to beginning-of-post caveats regarding illegality. However, if you are under the influence of mind-altering substances and do stupid shit under the influence, or if you are Off Your Meds and act crazy because of it, you still have full responsibility for those actions.
The thing is, you get to be a jerk if that's what you truly want, if it's that important to you. You also get the backlash and the consequences and the expressions of hurt from the people you offended, and depending on just which people you were just how much of a jerk to, those consequences can be pretty unpleasant. Still, if you want to take them, then it's your call.
And if you still think that you "can't" be a jackass, be a jerk, be irresponsible but you really really really WAAAAAAAAAAAANT TO! - then that's your conscience speaking, trying to tell your id/inner child/devil on your shoulder that it's not WORTH the consequences and/or adding another consequence: lack of self-respect. But if it makes you feel any better, you've still got the choice, and you get to bask in the self-satisfied glow of being the Better Person and NOT being a jerk.