passerine: Picture of Sparrow from Dykes to Watch For (Default)
There is where I am, and there is where I should be.

I can see where I should be from where I am. Usually, I have a clear and unobstructed view.

What I do not have is a clear path. There is always some sort of canyon in between, and I know that to fall down it would at the very least seriously disable me, and could quite possibly destroy me entirely.

Some days, the canyon is huge and there's no way I could even consider crossing it.

Some days, it's a river instead, and I almost think that swimming it would be worth the risk. Almost.

Some days, it's a small but definite crack in the world, and I should be able to just jump over it, but what if I can't? And then I hate the cowardice of not trying.

When I first got the naproxen and the Strattera, right before All The Shit Happened last winter/spring, it was like "Oh hey, there's this log nearby that maybe I can push and roll over to where this gap is and I can finally cross the damn thing!"

Then All The Shit Happened, and it was like watching myself lose control of that log and have it fall into the abyss, which left me thinking about what it would have been like if I had fallen into the abyss. Didn't exactly incline me to go looking for another log.

And it frustrates me because sometimes it seems like people jump over this thing without a second thought, and I wish I could do it too.
passerine: Picture of Sparrow from Dykes to Watch For (Default)
Question from my Ask Me Anything thread:

What is your actual job? I know you talk about it a lot, and I know it has something to do with CPS, and you seem to be training for some other aspect of your job, but I'm not sure what it is that you actually do at work on a day to day basis.

The trouble with answering this is that what I actually do varies quite a lot and still seems to be in flux. I work in the Rate Setting Unit of the Office of Children and Family Services. My official title is Senior Administrative Analyst, which is not terribly informative as to what I'm actually doing. (It's a fairly generic title that is often given to people who came in through the Public Management Institute program who aren't specifically doing State budget requests or human resources work.) I'm one of the few non-accountants in my department.

So what does that all mean anyway? )

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passerine: Picture of Sparrow from Dykes to Watch For (Default)
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